Kielibonari osa 3.

It all started when our antagonizing protagonist, Leila, woke up in a magical cornfield. It was the ninth time it had happened. Feeling really worried, Leila hit a cider, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Suddenly cheered up by the Pikku-Kakkonen theme song, he realized that his beloved Red Sneakers of Agony were missing! Immediately he called his so-called best friend, Elza. Leila had known Elza for (plus or minus) 11,000 years, the majority of which were enchanting ones. Elza was unique. He was clever though sometimes a little... insensitive. Leila called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Elza picked up to a very glad Leila. Elza calmly assured him that most legless puppies shudder before mating, yet man-eating capybaras usually surreptitiously yawn *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Leila. Why was Elza trying to distract Leila? Because he had snuck out from Leila's with the Red Sneakers of Agony only ten days prior. They were a saucy little pair of Red Sneakers of Agony... how could he resist?

It didn't take long before Leila got back to the subject at hand: his Red Sneakers of Agony. Elza turned red. Relunctantly, Elza invited him over, assuring him they'd find the Red Sneakers of Agony. Leila grabbed his giraffe and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Elza realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the Red Sneakers of Agony and he had to do it aptly. He figured that if Leila took the rice rocket, he had take at least nine minutes before Leila would get there. But if he took a taxi? Then Elza would be ridiculously screwed.

Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Elza was interrupted by four insensitive Jumppa-Jussis that were lured by his Red Sneakers of Agony. Elza shuddered; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling worried, he fearlessly reached for his ninja star and aimlessly deflowered every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the secret vineyard, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the taxi rolling up. It was Leila.

As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Jim's House of Wings to pick up a 12-pack of ripened avocados, so he knew he was running late. With a mighty leap, Leila was out of the taxi and went scandalously jaunting toward Elza's front door. Meanwhile inside, Elza was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the Red Sneakers of Agony into a box of Adi Dasslers and then slid the box behind his giraffe. Elza was stunned but at least the Red Sneakers of Agony were concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Elza flamboyantly purred. With a quick push, Leila opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some dimwitted noble genius in a hippie-pleasing hybrid vehicle,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Elza assured him. Leila took a seat about two saucy furlongs from where Elza had hidden the Red Sneakers of Agony. Elza belched trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Leila was distracted. Before the all-seeing eyes of a perpetually displeased diety, Elza noticed a pestering look on Leila's face. Leila slowly opened his mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

Elza felt a stabbing pain in his shin when Leila asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the Red Sneakers of Agony right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A pestering look started to form on Leila's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's gerbils from when she used to have pet venomous koalas. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Leila nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Elza could react, Leila carefully lunged toward the box and opened it. The Red Sneakers of Agony were plainly in view.

Leila stared at Elza for what what must've been four seconds. In a tragically predictable turn of events, Elza groped earnestly in Leila's direction, clearly desperate. Leila grabbed the Red Sneakers of Agony and bolted for the door. It was locked. Elza let out a enchanting chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of those things, none of this would have happened, Leila,' he rebuked. Elza always had been a little stupid, so Leila knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Elza did something crazy, like... start chucking ninja stars at him or something. Happy as a frickin' monkey, he gripped his Red Sneakers of Agony tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Elza looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Leila. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame two days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Leila. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Elza walked over to the window and looked down. Leila was gone.

Just yonder, Leila was struggling to make his way through the haunted thicket behind Elza's place. Leila had severely hurt his taint during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Jumppa-Jussis suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Red Sneakers of Agony. One by one they latched on to Leila. Already weakened from his injury, Leila yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Jumppa-Jussis running off with his Red Sneakers of Agony.

But then Kolina came down with his attractive smile and restored Leila's Red Sneakers of Agony. Feeling displeased, Kolina smote the Jumppa-Jussis for their injustice. Then he got in his curb-jumping ghetto sled (Ford) and sputtered away with the fortitude of 550,000 Indonesian devil cats running from a misshapen pack of 3-legged wallabies. Leila shimmied with joy when he saw this. His Red Sneakers of Agony were safe. It was a good thing, too, because in six minutes his favorite TV show, Hermunen, was going to come on. Leila was pleased. And so, everyone except Elza and a few bloody glove-toting legless Jumppa-Jussis lived blissfully happy, forever after.